


Chasing Ghosts

by bainsidhe



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, But it's a rough road, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Fix-It, Post-Canon, Separations, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:21:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24902257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bainsidhe/pseuds/bainsidhe
Summary: **The following summary contains spoilers for the end of TLOU2!**When Ellie abandons Dina on her mission of vengeance, Dina swears she's done - done with waiting, done with crying, done with trying to convince Ellie that what they have together matters more than her bloody quest to find Abby and end her once and for all. So when Ellie finally returns to Jackson, after finding the farm empty and abandoned, Dina isn't interested in any of Ellie's attempts to patch things up. Ellie begins to wonder how it all went so wrong, and if she can ever make it right again, when a new threat to Jackson threatens to destroy any chance they have at a true reconciliation.A post-canon eventual happy ending fix-it, but be forewarned that I am not going to make it easy for them.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie (The Last of Us)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 28
Kudos: 240





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I've been in such a terrible writing rut for years now, but finishing the end of The Last of Us II left me feeling so emotionally battered and drained, and it wasn't long before I headed over to AO3 looking for the happy ending fix-it fics I desperately needed after that bleak, ambiguous ending. I've read several good ones, but realized eventually that I really needed to write my own. So this is going to be a bumpy road to reconciliation, but, eventually, they will get there. I don't usually spoil my own fics, but I feel like if you care enough about this ship to come looking for fics within a week of the game's launch, you really need some reassurance that you're not signing up for something as soul-crushing as the canon game. So, yeah: eventual happy ending, but expect lots of canon-typical moral ambiguity and violence along the way. Ellie's got to earn that forgiveness!
> 
> I foresee this being about 11 chapters, unless the story does other things while I'm writing it, which it very well may. I'm also moving in about three weeks, so please be patient for updates: but don't worry, they'll come, as I already have the whole fic outlined. As for anyone who reads any of the rest of my WIPs... they are on hiatus for now, unfortunately. Not abandoned, but I honestly have no time frame for when I will get back to them.
> 
> Enjoy! I will try to post new updates as I write them, but again, please be patient as I have a lot going on IRL.
> 
> The title of the story comes from the song of the same name by Murder By Death, which I do recommend listening to to set the mood.

It was remarkable how much space a ghost could occupy, even in an old, drafty farmhouse.

Ellie was everywhere. In the kitchen, where Dina couldn't wash the dishes without feeling the ghost come up behind her, circle her arms around her waist, plant a soft kiss behind her ear. In the living room, where the absence of her laughter was keenly felt as JJ crawled around on the floor, cooing and waving his hands at the ghost of the mama who had left him behind. In Ellie's private study, which Dina had only managed to enter once before the overwhelming evidence of the ghost's presence – and, necessarily, her absence – caused her to flee, slamming the door shut and sinking down to the floor, sobbing so hard she'd woken JJ from his nap. In their bedroom, certainly; Dina would have taken to sleeping on the couch just to escape the memories of their lovemaking, but she couldn't bring herself to drag JJ's crib all the way downstairs.

She made it a little over two weeks in the lonely, haunted house before she broke. She couldn't live here, not alone, not after everything. Ellie was everywhere, inescapable in her absence, an empty seat at the table trembling with the latent energy of the conspicuously missing. Dina couldn't eat one more meal looking at that empty seat, or spend one more night in that lonely bed. So she bundled up JJ, filled a pack with everything they'd need for a few days, snuggled him up in his wrap, and rode her horse to Jackson.

She was met with cordial greetings at the gate; old friends and acquaintances who no doubt thought she had just ridden to town to procure supplies. "Hey Dina," Carlos said. They didn't know each other well; just well enough to exchange polite pleasantries. "Just you this time? How's Ellie doing?"

The simple, expected curiosity landed like a blow to the gut, but Dina succeeded in holding herself together well enough to force a stiff smile to her face. "She's fine," she managed. Was it true? Was Ellie fine, or was she dead on the side of the road somewhere, her brains splattered across the pavement from a bandit's bullet, her innards ripped out and devoured by a roaming clicker? She would never know, and that was the part she couldn't bear.

Fortunately, Carlos didn't press the issue. "Good to hear," he chirped, either failing to pick up on her tension or kind enough not to interrogate it. Dina's throat closed up as she made her way through town, realizing that Carlos' innocent question would inevitably be repeated. She didn't think she could handle being asked about Ellie's well-being a dozen different times, and then, after folks realized she was in town to stay, asked again about what had happened between them. So she went straight to the one person she knew would understand exactly what was going on, and how to help.

"Dina? What brings you into town?" Maria said as Dina entered her makeshift office. "Is everything all right out at the farm?"

No. Nothing would ever be all right out at the farm ever again. Dina felt her façade beginning to crumble, and Maria must have noticed, because she came out from behind her desk and placed gentle hands on Dina's shoulders.

"What's wrong, honey? Did something…" Maria trailed off, apparently realizing that only a few things could have happened to bring Dina all the way into town and directly to her office in tears, and none of them could be good.

"Did something happen to Ellie?"

A well of rage surged through Dina, sudden and molten and unexpected. Perhaps it was the passive construction of the question, the way it framed Ellie as a person who things just happened to, the way it absolved her of any agency in what she'd done. No, nothing had "happened" to Ellie. That, she could have dealt with. The grief would have been immense and crippling, but she could have gritted through it, for JJ's sake, mourning her love but cherishing the brief time they'd had together. But what Ellie had chosen to do – what Ellie had chosen over her, and over JJ – that, she couldn't deal with.

Dina looked up at Maria, angrily swiping at the tears threatening to spill from her eyes. "She left," she said. The words, spoken out loud for the first time, crushed her with their finality. "She left us," she said, and this time, she didn't stop the tears when they came. JJ began to fuss softly in his wrap, and Dina stroked his head absently as she rubbed her eyes.

"Jesus," Maria muttered, her brow furrowed in confusion. "But – why? Where did she go? She loved you, I can't imagine – "

"Ask Tommy," Dina spat, the anger bubbling back up to the surface.

Maria closed her eyes and exhaled, a deep, tired sigh. She said nothing for several long moments as she brought her hand up to her face, pinching her nose in silent exasperation.

"God _damn_ it," she swore. "He just couldn't fucking let it go. Even after I made it clear to him we were done if he didn't stop obsessing over that girl and spending all his time tracking her down, he just could not fucking let it go. But to drag Ellie into it? When he knew she finally had some peace in her life? God damn it, Tommy."

"Turns out she couldn't let it go, either," Dina said darkly. "I _begged_ her not to go. I begged her not to leave us. I told her I couldn't do it anymore, that I couldn't stand spending months or years or fuck knows how long wondering if she's ever coming back or if she's just dead somewhere and I'll never know what happened, but…" The tears were back now, streaming freely down her face, and she made no effort to wipe them away. "It's like it didn't even matter. Like we didn't matter." She sniffed loudly, and JJ whimpered in response to his mother's distress. "Why didn't we matter to her?"

Maria sighed, and gathered Dina into her arms. "It's not that you don't matter," she said. "It's… well, with Tommy, once he gets stuck on something, he's stuck, just like a dog with a bone. There's no changing his mind or reasoning with him. I know him and Ellie weren't blood kin, but Jesus, they're so alike they might as well have been. Them and Joel, all of them, just cussed stubborn streaks a mile long."

The mention of Joel sent a slight pang of guilt into Dina's heart. She knew that Ellie wouldn't have left for any other reason, that nothing else could have taken her from her family. But Maria was right – they were, all of them, stubborn as mules, and for Ellie to know that she had unfinished business with Joel's murderer must have eaten at her in a way that Dina couldn't fully comprehend. But even so, what would it change now? They'd lost so much pursuing that girl into Seattle, and she'd gotten away. It was unfair, but what in this broken fucked-up world was fair?

"I just wish she'd chosen us," Dina said, drying her tears with her sleeve. "Even if she finds that girl and kills her, it's not going to bring Joel back." Dina had told Ellie once, at the beginning of their Seattle journey, that she'd understood. If she'd ever had a chance to come face to face with her sister's killers, she'd have done exactly what Ellie wanted to do to this Abby girl. But would she have abandoned her family to pursue that vengeance? Abandoned her love? Her baby? She wanted to say no. She believed the answer was no. She hoped it was.

"The thing you have to understand is, she doesn't think of it as choosing. She thinks she can have it all – go find this girl, get her revenge, and come back home and find everything the way it was. That's how Tommy was. They don't understand what it feels like to be the one left behind, waiting on the porch, wondering if today's the day they ride back into town, or if you're going to spend every day for the rest of your life waiting for something that'll never come." Maria sighed and squeezed her shoulders. "So what can I do for you? Are you thinking about coming back to town? That farm would be a lot to handle all by yourself, and with you caring for a baby besides."

Dina was immensely grateful that Maria had spared her the need to say it out loud. "Yeah, I think… if that's all right with you?"

"Of course it is, honey. You always pulled your weight around here. You're welcome in this town as long as I have any say." She gave a wry smile at that, which Dina returned – the idea of anyone else having more of a say around Jackson than Maria was impossible to imagine.

"Thanks, Maria. I really appreciate it."

"Don't mention it. I know there are a few rooms at the lodge for now – but we're building some new homes out on the east edge of the town. I'll put you on the list for one, since that baby's going to need plenty of space soon enough. Should just be a month or so."

It was more than she'd hoped for, honestly, and Dina's smile was genuine. "Thank you. For everything." Her smile faded as she realized that living back in town would come with its own set of challenges. "Hey…"

Maria raised an inquisitive eyebrow. "What is it, hon?"

"Do you think you could…" Dina chewed at her lip, nervous. "Do you think you could maybe get the word out, around town, about what happened? I don't mean every detail, just… the gist?"

Maria nodded in sympathetic understanding. "I'll make sure no one asks you a bunch of questions about what happened. You have enough to worry about right now without everyone's morbid curiosity following you around town all day. You think you might want to do some work at the stables for now? I don't like the idea of sending you out on patrol with the baby still being so little, and you always did like horses."

God bless this woman. "That sounds perfect."

It wasn't perfect, of course. Nothing in her life could be perfect ever again, without the farm, without Ellie. But it was good enough, and that would have to do.


	2. Coming Home

Ellie lasted a whole half hour in the house before she closed the door behind her, a hollow pit in her gut and a hole in her heart.

The weight of everything that had happened since she arrived in Santa Barbara collapsed on her at once, and she leaned against a tree at the edge of the woods framing their house, suddenly off-balance as she steadied herself against the sturdy bark. No. Not "their" house. Not anymore. Just a house, an old abandoned farmhouse, the interior covered in a fine layer of dust attesting to the months-long absence of its former residents. A gaping chasm of grief opened up within Ellie, a cold fist gripping at her throat and seizing her chest – and yet as she leaned against the tree, no tears came. She wasn't sure if she had any tears left in her. Only the heavy silence of bitter loss and regret, settling atop her like a shroud.

She wandered through the woods on autopilot, picking her way through the trails that would lead her to Jackson, moving with the numb indifference of a survivor who'd long since ceased to care why she kept struggling forward. She'd just thought – what? That Dina hadn't really meant what she'd said? That she couldn't have possibly been giving Ellie a serious ultimatum, wasn't actually forcing her to choose between her family and finishing things with Abby?

The thought of Abby no longer brought the same gut-punch fury it once had. Ever since Joel's death, the merest thought of the other woman took Ellie right back to that horrifying day at the cabin, where she watched the man she'd loved being beaten to a pulp before her very eyes. She'd been unable to resist the mounting spiral of nausea and white-hot rage those memories triggered in her, even though she'd tried – God knew she'd tried. She'd tried so hard after they returned from Seattle. She'd tried even harder after JJ was born and they moved out to the farm. She wanted so desperately to be a normal woman, with a normal family, to live out her life in peace with her beloved partner and their child. She'd _tried_. She tried even when the nightmares came, waking her in a sheen of sweat and thrashing terror, heart hammering a staccato of panic until Dina wrapped her in soft, loving arms until she calmed down. She'd tried so _fucking_ hard, but it hadn't been enough.

Part of her blamed Tommy. Maybe, eventually, she would've gotten better on her own. Maybe the nightmares and the agonizing flashbacks would have faded away in time. Maybe eventually she could have forgiven herself for leaving things with Joel until it was too late to fix them. Maybe the happiness she felt with Dina and JJ would eventually balance out the soul-rending loss and regret. But she knew in her heart that Tommy had only been a catalyst for her to finally confront the rot inside her that had been festering since that horrible winter day. A chance to finally confront the woman who'd taken away her chance to ever set things right.

Had it been worth it?

As the house receded beyond view, hidden by trees, emptied of Dina and JJ and any evidence of their life together, the answer had to be no. She'd pursued Abby because the other woman had taken everything from her – but she hadn't, had she? She hadn't killed Dina. She'd _wanted_ to, but she hadn't, thanks to that boy with her. So no, Abby hadn't taken everything. Ellie had managed to lose Dina all on her own.

"Fuck," she said, the first word she'd said out loud since she'd called Dina's name and received silence in return. The tears that she couldn't muster up before came in a swift and unexpected wave, and Ellie swiped fiercely at her eyes to stem the tide, swallowing hard at the lump that had formed in her throat. The finality of her loss began to set in. _Dina_. _JJ._ She'd walked away from them – walked away from her family – to deliver vengeance to Joel's murderer. She'd told herself she was doing it for him, but at that precise moment when she had Abby subdued and helpless in her grasp – when she could have truly ended it all, finished the bloody cycle of retribution that had been set in motion all those years ago in Salt Lake City – she remembered him.

Not, for the first time in years, as a bloody, beaten corpse. No, she remembered him as he was – sitting on his porch, playing his guitar. The guitar he'd taught her how to play. The first gift he'd gotten for her after they'd returned to Jackson to make a home there. The first gift he'd gotten for her after the terrible thing he'd done to save her life.

And she _knew_ , in that moment, remembering Joel as he'd been in life, not death, that he wouldn't want this. He wouldn't have wanted her to spend her life boiling over with hate. He wouldn't have wanted her to chase Abby to the ends of the country, to drag her nearly-dead and tortured body off a broken pillar just to have the satisfaction of choking her to death in the bubbling surf. He would never have wanted her to leave her family, leave her wife and child behind, so she could keep fueling this eternal cycle of hatred and vengeance. He would have wanted her to be safe, and happy. He would have wanted her to _live_.

But by then, it was too late.

She'd let Abby go. Sometimes she regretted it, as she ruminated to herself on her way back to Wyoming from California. She idly wondered if Abby and the boy would continue to nurse their own grudge, biding their time, until returning to Jackson with a new group and a new army to destroy the rest of what Ellie loved. Sometimes she still remembered Joel's beaten body, and wished she'd just finished the job, holding Abby in place until the water stole her breath and her life. But when she'd pulled away, when she let Abby go and the other woman had left without a word, taking the boy in their boat and sailing out to sea, she'd felt a strange sense of peace settle over her. She knew it was finally over, even if Abby was still out there somewhere. They'd each taken so much from the other, but it was Abby who had pulled back first, refusing to kill Dina when she'd had the chance. When Ellie let her and the boy go in California, just as Abby had let Ellie and Dina go in Seattle, it had felt truly final. She would never see the other woman again.

But it didn't matter. Regardless of what had actually happened in California, her mad quest had cost her everything. She'd lost Dina the moment she left Jackson. She had denied it at the time, and that denial had given her the strength to carry on all the way to Santa Barbara. But the empty house didn't lie.

Ellie clambered up the forest trail, skirted around a fallen tree, and crested the ridge, and suddenly the lights of Jackson were bright below her. Seeing the settlement brought an intense flush of emotion, and she felt a crashing wave of grief collide into her as she looked down on the only people left in this world who gave a single shit about her – if any still did. The question she'd been avoiding on her entire hike through the woods at last reared up before her, inescapable now – was Dina even here? She'd carried on through the woods, away from the empty house, solely on the strength of her conviction that Dina _had_ to be back in Jackson. But what if she wasn't? What if she'd taken JJ and moved somewhere else, away from the grief, away from the memories? The possibility was unbearable, and so she refused to contemplate it further. If that was the case… well. She didn't know what she'd do, but the misery of such a reality was too dire to think about, so she didn't.

Surely Dina hadn't left. Jesse's parents were here, and they loved JJ, the only living reminder of their son left in the world. Dina wouldn't take that away from them. No, she was still here. She had to be. Ellie had to believe it. She had to believe that there was still a chance to see her, to make things right. She'd already lost that chance with one other person she loved. She didn't think she could bear the pain of losing it again.

Hesitantly, she made her way down the ridge towards the bright floodlights highlighting the south gate. Now that she was confronted with the reality of coming back to Jackson, she was at a loss as to what she should do. Just ask around for Dina? And then what? Knock on her door? Smile? Say hello? Expect to be welcomed inside with an embrace and a kiss? Trepidation filled Ellie from head to toe. Dina had been so upset she'd stripped the farmhouse completely bare of everything except Ellie's personal possessions. She'd even left the guitar behind. If memories of Ellie were so painful Dina couldn't even bear to see her things, then how would Dina react when Ellie stood before her in the flesh? Ellie was beginning to realize that she hadn't thought this through when a sharp voice rang out in the twilight.

"That's far enough! Hands up where we can see them! Who are you and why are you here?"

The gate guard, a young man she didn't recognize – a newcomer over the past year or so? – advanced toward her, rifle aimed squarely at her chest. Ellie raised her hands, making sure her own rifle was safely slung across her back in a nonthreatening manner.

"I'm Ellie. I used to…" She swallowed an unexpected lump. "I used to live here. For several years. Ask Maria."

The young man – boy, really, he couldn't be a day over seventeen – scrutinized her with a frown. "You know Maria?"

Ellie resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Sarcasm usually got her in trouble, and she really didn't need to start off her homecoming to Jackson on the wrong foot. "I told you, I used to live here. Go get her if you need to. Or ask her about me. She'll vouch for me." _Or at least I hope she will_. She knew Maria couldn't have been too impressed with her decision to fuck off to California and abandon Dina, if she'd even heard about what happened. But she still hoped her history in the town counted for something.

"Um. I mean, I'd just let you in, but…" The boy glanced at his rifle nervously. Jesus, was Jackson so short on able-bodied adults that they had to man the gates with these wet-behind-the-ears children? If she'd actually been a raider, she could have disarmed and killed this boy about ten separate times by now.

"Look, I'll wait. Just go ask her." Ellie huffed impatiently. Now that she was at the end of her journey, a bone-deep weariness had settled in, and she realized how desperately she needed to sit down somewhere warm and indoors.

"Um. Well. I can't really leave you alone, so –"

"So bring me to Maria yourself, then! Jesus Christ, this isn't hard!" She snapped, losing her patience. So much for not starting off on the wrong foot. _God, Ellie, keep it together for once in your fucking life._ She closed her eyes. "Sorry. Listen, I've been on the road for a long-ass time and I just really need to talk to her. Please."

"Okay," the boy said, lowering his rifle. "Okay, but I'm going to have to have this trained on you. Just in case."

 _Boy, if I wanted you dead, that rifle wouldn't do a goddamned thing to stop me._ "Sure, I understand. Lead on."

Ellie was unprepared for how thoroughly the wave of nostalgia swamped over her as soon as she entered Jackson. Everything was as it had been the last time she'd been here – the lights, the streets, the storefronts, the people milling about their lives. She swallowed another lump in her throat, forcing herself to avoid looking at anyone in the crowd too closely. If Dina was out there – no. She really needed to talk to Maria first, to figure some things out and get some answers. She wasn't ready to see Dina. Not yet.

She kept her gaze fixed on the ground, pretending to follow the boy but really just hoping no one who saw her recognized her. If Dina was here, she needed to find her on her own terms, and she couldn't do that if the rumor mill was already buzzing about her return. She tugged the hood of her sweatshirt over her head, hoping it provided some measure of anonymity.

The boy knocked on the door of the town hall, rifle still loosely held in his hands. The lump in Ellie's throat returned full-bore when Maria opened the door, looking exactly the same as she had the last time Ellie had seen her.

"Caden? What…" Maria's voice trailed into silence as she saw Ellie standing there. "Oh my God. Ellie." She stood there, staring, and Ellie felt a combination of overwhelming affection and apprehension. Maria's face betrayed no emotion besides shock at Ellie's return, and Ellie couldn't tell if it was the good kind of shock, or the bad kind.

"Hey," Ellie offered weakly.

"Uh, so, you do know her, then?" Caden interrupted, looking to Maria like a puppy for guidance. Maria nodded, waving him away. "Oh. Yes, thank you, Caden. You can go back to the gate now." Caden, realizing he'd been dismissed, glanced back and forth from Maria to Ellie before offering up a confused, diffident shrug and retreating awkwardly to the street. Maria opened the door to the town hall and stood aside. "Well, don't just stand out in the street. Come in."

Ellie obeyed, entering Maria's office as Maria closed the door behind them. Now in relative privacy, Ellie opened her mouth to say something, but seeing Maria standing there, the tough, battle-scarred older woman who'd always been so kind to her, broke down a wall she'd built to contain all the emotions she couldn't afford to feel on the road to California. Unable and unwilling to stop the tears that came, she flung herself into Maria's arms, returning the woman's embrace.

"I honestly did not think I'd ever see you again," Maria said, voice heavy as she hugged Ellie close. After a moment, they separated, Ellie rubbing impatiently at her eyes with her sleeve. "I have some questions for you, but that can wait for a minute. I'm just glad to see you back in one piece."

Knowing that at least she had Maria's warm welcome did much to buoy Ellie's troubled spirits. "Thanks. It's… it's really good to see you too." Smooth. Well, Ellie had never been very eloquent or charming, unless she was writing a song. That was about the only time she managed to be able infuse any grace into her words. "Is that kid even old enough to be the gate guard? I could've had him disarmed and on the ground in about two seconds flat."

Maria chuckled. "Caden? This is his first night by himself, actually. Hopefully you were a learning experience for him."

"Then I really should've disarmed him and thrown him on the ground. _That_ would've been a learning experience for him. He has shitty rifle discipline."

Maria raised an eyebrow. "Look at you, Miss Professional Soldier. I'd ask where you learned to be such a crack commando, but…"

The sentence trailed off into inevitable silence as both women realized they could no longer avoid the elephant in the room.

"Maria…"

"Ellie." Maria held up a hand. "What you do is your business, even if my fool husband is the one who put you up to it."

Ellie sighed, at once eager to shift all the blame over to Tommy and realizing she couldn't. "It wasn't Tommy's fault. Not entirely. I needed to do it."

"Did you?" Maria's voice was carefully neutral. "Well, I guess you did it, then, since you're back." Ellie did not answer the unspoken question, and, for the first time, realized that she'd have to actually account for the fact that she hadn't killed Abby. Maria wouldn't need to know or care one way or another unless Ellie had put Jackson in danger – she cared for Joel, but she'd always seen their vengeance quest for the dangerous fool's errand it was. Dina… Ellie didn't know how Dina would feel, or if Dina would care. Tommy, however, would certainly care.

"Like I said, what you do is your business, as long as it's not going to bring a world of shit back to my town. You were always a good hand around here, so I'm happy to have you back, assuming that's what you want. That _is_ what you want?" Maria raised her eyebrow in inquiry.

Ellie nodded. "Yeah. I mean, I think so. It's just…" She swallowed hard. "Is Dina –"

"She's back." That neutral voice again. Maria had obviously been expecting the question, but had been waiting until Ellie asked. Forcing her to ask. Crafty old woman.

Ellie closed her eyes in immediate and immense relief. _Dina is here._ "Oh. Oh, good. Um," she stammered after a moment, realizing Maria wasn't going to offer up any details on her own. Maria might have been happy enough to see Ellie back in town, but her demeanor had cooled somewhat since Dina had come up. That didn't bode well. "Is she okay? I mean… her and JJ? How long have they been in town?"

"She's fine. They both are. She's been here for several months now. Since you left."

The blunt words landed like a blow. "I didn't leave!" Ellie blurted out. At Maria's arched eyebrow, she backtracked. "I mean, not forever! I had to go take care of –"

"Save it," Maria forestalled her explanation. "You're here, you're loyal, so I'm happy to welcome you back and put you to work. It's Dina who needs your excuses and your apologies, not me."

Ellie deflated, realizing that Dina had obviously been distraught about Ellie's departure when she'd made her way to Jackson and begged Maria to let her return to the town. _No shit she was distraught_ , Ellie berated herself. _She took everything from the house except *your* shit. That obviously means she was upset with you._ She heaved a sigh. "Do you think I could talk to her? I mean… I'd just like to see her myself. Explain things to her."

Maria pursed her lips together. "Well, you're both adults, so I expect you'll talk to each other eventually. But, Ellie…" And then Maria's stern mask fell, and Ellie could see the compassion in her eyes. "You really hurt that girl when you left. I don't think you know exactly how bad it was for her to think you chose this obsession you had over her and the baby."

"I didn't choose –"

Maria held up a hand again. "Like I said, save it for Dina. But the fact is, you _did_ leave, and she had no idea when, or if, you'd ever be coming back. You can't do that to a person, Ellie. You can't just leave people waiting and wondering forever and expect things to be the same when you get back. You just can't."

Ellie realized that Maria was speaking from experience. She tried and failed to come up with a reply, but after discarding several responses that felt increasingly like trite excuses, she fell silent.

"Look." Maria sighed. "What happens between you two isn't up to me. But you need to tread carefully, that's all I'll say. If you go waltzing back into her life expecting her to drop everything and run into your arms, you're just setting yourself up for heartache."

Ellie closed her eyes. What Maria said was harsh but true, a bitter medicine she'd needed to hear.

"Yeah, I get it," she said, resigned. "I guess, in the meantime, I need a room. I suppose my old place isn't available."

Maria shook her head. "A young woman moved in a month or so after you and Dina left for the farm, and she's still there. I think we have a room in the Copper Peak, though. That'll do for now? Anything more permanent will have to wait, I'm afraid."

Ellie shrugged. "Yeah, that's fine." She wouldn't need much space without any of her things, anyway. Maybe she'd go back and at least get her guitar and some of her art, one of these days.

"Well, all right." Maria clapped her hands on her thighs. "You'll be able to help out right away, then?"

"Sure," Ellie said. "Patrols, whatever needs a hand around town. Just point me where you need me."

"Patrol would be useful," Maria said. "It's always good to have someone with actual experience out there. I'll put you in the rotation, but it's already set for this week, so it'll be a bit. Just make yourself useful for now, I guess. I think Joe in the butcher shop was mentioning needing a hand, since his apprentice got laid up with a broken arm a couple weeks ago. Turns out no one else is too keen to volunteer."

"Sure," Ellie repeated. "Whatever you need." The prospect of being back in town, now that it was really happening, suddenly felt daunting. Her best friends had been Dina and Jesse, and now Jesse was dead and Dina was furious at her. She knew she needed to work out how to make things right with Dina, but right now she just felt overwhelmed and tired. "I'll go talk to Luis at the Copper Peak about that room."

"All right," Maria said. "Oh, Ellie?" she called out as Ellie put her hand on the doorknob. "It's good to have you back. It really is."

Ellie managed a small but sincere smile before pulling up her hood and making her way back out into the street.

Wandering through the streets of the town she used to call home, she felt an increasing sense of melancholy flood through her. Night had fallen while she'd been in Maria's office, and folks meandered along the streets, either heading back home or heading out to the bar. She suppressed a scowl, as thoughts of the bar reminded her of Seth, but that homophobic old asshole wouldn't be there this late – she knew he handled the breakfast and lunch shifts at the Tipsy Bison. In fact, the more she thought about it, the more a drink sounded good. She could grab her room at the Copper Peak Inn at any time – she knew Luis hired some teenager who liked to play those dumb little handheld games to staff the desk overnight. Or at least, he used to. She had time for a drink, to settle her nerves so she could steel herself for tomorrow. Before she had to go actually try to talk to Dina in earnest.

She entered the saloon and was surprised to see only about half the barstools occupied. Sidling up to the closest one, she managed a tight smile for the bartender, who was blessedly not Seth.

"Ellie? That you?" The bartender squinted. He looked vaguely familiar to Ellie, but she couldn't place a name.

"Yeah, it's me," she said. "Sorry, I don't…"

"Jake," he said, smiling. "Yeah, I kinda remember you. It's been a while! Didn't think we'd see you back here."

"Yeah, well…" Ellie trailed off, not really wanting to get into the whole bloody saga right now. She shrugged. "A lot's happened. What've you got?"

Jake raised an eyebrow. "What're you looking for? Got some fresh brewed kegs if you want beer. If you want a stronger poison, I've got rye, bourbon, scotch, moonshine, gin –"

"Bourbon's fine." She nodded as he slid her a glass of the amber liquid. "Not too busy tonight?"

"Nah, it's movie night," he said. "Some cheesy superhero flick from like, right before Outbreak Day. I think it was supposed to be part of a whole series? I guess no one'll ever know how it ends now."

"Guess not." She downed half the drink in one gulp, surprised at how smooth it went down. Whiskey used to make her cough the second it hit her throat. "I used to be really hung up on stuff from before the outbreak. Comic books and shit. Seems stupid now."

Jake shrugged. "I mean, I dunno. I kinda like it, I guess. A reminder of a simpler time, when people made movies and wrote books and actually lived their lives without trying to survive every day. Man, it must've been nice."

"Yeah, I guess." She thought of the Savage Starlight books she'd collected, and her Society of Champions card collection. They were all piled into a corner of her former room at the farmhouse now, an unwelcome reminder of her that Dina had been happy to forget.

 _A time when people actually lived their lives without trying to survive every day. What does that even feel like?_ Ellie tried to imagine it for a moment, staring into the depths of her bourbon. A life where she had never lost her parents to violence. Where she'd gone to school, studied art, flirted with girls. Where her first girlfriend hadn't turned into a ravening monster. Where she'd never had to kill anyone. Where she'd never had to watch someone she loved being murdered ruthlessly in front of her.

"Yeah, must've been really nice," she said, downing the last of her bourbon and sliding the glass back towards Jake. "How about another whiskey?"

She was in the middle of nursing her third glass when the door swung open, bringing a cold gust of air from outside and a peal of laughter carried on the wind. Ellie glanced over her shoulder at the three people piling into the bar – a boy, a girl, and someone else whose body was obscured by the first girl.

"Oh my God, that was so fucking cool, when she put on the suit! I was like, _fuck yes!_ " the girl exclaimed, pumping a fist into the air. "Like, get it girl! What a badass!"

"Right? Like I get that he's the actual hero, but c'mon, I want a movie about her now!" the boy said. "Man, fuck the outbreak. Maybe we would've gotten one. That sucks." He and the girl reached out for each other's hands, and began to move towards the bar, revealing the last member of the party, taking off her hood –

Ellie froze, her hand wrapped tightly around the tumbler of whiskey, her blood pounding a frantic, deafening pulse in her skull.

Dina.

Dina seemed to notice her a split second after, her hands freezing mid-motion as she removed her hood. Ellie couldn't move, couldn't breathe, as she watched Dina react to her in slow-motion: first disbelief, then shock, then –

Dina abruptly yanked her hood back up and turned around, banging open the door of the bar as she fled outside.

"Hey, Dina – what the hell?" the girl said as the couple seemed to realize the drama going on for the first time.

"Dina!" Ellie called out, and then she was out the door in a flash, bourbon forgotten as she raced outside. "Dina!"

But outside, the streets were empty. She heard a skittering of feet, around a corner, but with whiskey muddling her brain, she couldn't pin down which direction Dina had turned.

"Dina!" she shouted, earning her a few turned heads down the road. Her voice rang out into the still air of the Jackson night, but there was no response save the echo of her own voice, coming back to haunt her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all SO much for all the kudos, reviews, and bookmarks! I appreciate it so much. As you can see, these two still have a lot of issues to work through. Thank you for coming along on this journey with me!
> 
> As a side note: Yes, the movie shown at movie night is Iron Man 3, the last MCU movie that was released before what would've been Outbreak Day in 2013. I wasn't planning on any of these details when I sat down to write the chapter, but sometimes the story just has a mind of its own :) And yes, I too would've enjoyed a Pepper Potts standalone movie.


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